Ink to Blog

Awkward silence

Silence can be deafening. Especially between two people who want to keep a conversation going, but fail to do so. I was always searching for a way to move the conversation forward. Early in my relationships, with new friends or with colleagues at work. Silence was not an option, because it would reveal something about me: that I was a bad dialogue partner, that I failed at "being social". People would avoid speaking with me if that would come true because they would have to endure this awkward silence.

Silence leaves room for interpretation. When our brains cannot extract meaning from speech (because it is missing), we try to interpret the silence instead. It is the only thing we can hang on. What does our partner think? Was there a misunderstanding? Did I say something wrong, or did I overstep a boundary? Maybe we even bore the other person. We have to make a guess. The mind tries to search for context in the body language of our partner, which is often vague and can easily be misinterpreted.

In the best case the conversation goes back and forth, both dialogue partners taking turns to add something. We are both invested and have knowledge about the topic we are talking about. Every turn gives the other person enough information so that he or she can continue talking or steer the conversation in a new direction. If I don't know enough about a topic or feel unsure about it, I will give shorter answers. My partner has to do more work to extend the exchange. They will eventually stop talking, either because they notice our lack of involvement or they simply get tired.

Closeness

There is no awkward silence between close friends or romantic partners. Silence feels easier to endure the deeper the connection is. This makes sense, because we know how to interpret the absence of words. We don't have to put on an act or prove something. There is no failure to communicate because both parties actively choose not to do so. In unfamiliar settings or with people who are not that close to us, our inner social creature takes the wheel and has to convince our surroundings that we are fun to interact with. We must perform because we want social validation. A stopped conversation means rejection.

Enduring the silence

I feel more comfortable now to just let the silence linger. When I go to lunch with colleagues or sit with friends who are not too close, I will not force myself to find a conversation topic. I noticed that the other person will always start a new topic. Most people are not able to endure 5 seconds of stillness. The hard part is to not get anxious during this time. But if I have nothing to say in the moment or just don't feel like talking, I should not force myself to push a sentence out. If we could reliably convince our partner that we are comfortable with the absence of a conversation while still signaling that we are not bored of them (they are not the problem), this probably would be a non-issue. I am always impressed by someone who doesn't feel the pressure to talk and simultaneously does not emit a sliver of nervousness.