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Invisible rejection in online dating

Why do a lot of people feel undesirable during the online dating process? We can of course face rejection while we are already in touch with a person because it just doesn't click. But at least there was an initial willingness to get to know that person. With this post, I want to focus on the rejection that happens during the swiping process.

Today's dating ritual is efficient. You have a profile and can be judged by a lot of people in your area simultaneously. A decision is made in split seconds. During every profile you swipe on, you evaluate their looks, and if this test is passed, their written profile. We already know that this person is searching for something, whether it is love and real connection, or a more casual meetup. And we hold the power to deny this person some of that need satisfaction while not really having to interact with them, sparing us awkward moments. During rejection, we feel in control. Of course, we are also hesitant because giving the other person the chance and later not getting that approval back means we wanted something and put ourselves out there for someone to claim, but the call was dismissed. That hurts our feelings.

These feelings are amplified by the sheer amount of rejections someone can experience. In your head, the amount of rejections is equal to the amount of times you have swiped right but didn't get a reaction back. That stems from the fact that you have sent a signal to all these potential matches that you want to get in touch with them. But this willingness is not reciprocated. So if you swipe right 100 times and after a month you stare at zero matches, that amounts to 100 rejections. In reality, you don't know how many people have even seen your profile, if they are active or not right now or if they have abandoned their profile. The real number of active rejections is probably much, much lower, but there is no transparency in how many people swiped left on you.

While real-life rejections do also hurt, you actually have a much higher chance to get a positive or neutral reaction. With instant feedback, you are able to process the rejection right after it happened. The rejection through online dating degrades one's own self-worth over time without us realizing at first. You can't find real closure because you don't know what happens on the other side of the screen. You think "I have swiped on 500 people by now and no match came out of it. Is there something broken or is there something wrong with me?".

But I don't think it is a good solution either to be completely transparent and show you each missed match with a number. You would see it black and white: you are undesirable (in the online dating market). There are good reasons for dating platforms to not show you the statistics. They want you to have hope so that you don't stop trying. Rejection will always hurt in some way. And online dating has some attributes that are active regardless of the design of the app. You will always be faced with more people and the distance to the person you are judging will also always be greater. We want to feel in control of our dating life, but this is hard if sometimes it feels like you swipe into a void.